Thinking things over…..
Well, yeah! I really am too sensitive sometimes, if not almost all the time. I try to evaluate myself though I don’t want to. I realize that there is still that childish part in me that can’t seem to go away; simply because even I myself am not ready to let go.
The child in me would still want to linger on because it isn’t satisfied yet. My fear of rejection is sometimes too hard to consume- it makes me too scared to try new things and to let myself out. I still have the need to be pampered, to be made to feel that I am important and cared for by the people that I care so much about. I want to be hugged, to be held tight all the time. I still have the tendency to focus on things too intensely- to the point that I couldn’t get my mind off them till I get satisfied of what I wanna do or what I wanna get or expect from them. Small things, too simple things, cute things, colorful things- little things still fascinate me. And sometimes I tend to view them big. This is too childish I know…
I realized that I subconsciously tend to stick to myself when I am in my extremes. It takes me long to get over something that has affected me so much (either positively or negatively). And there are things that I just give a cold shoulder at. They don’t affect me simply because I don’t let them. I don’t even try to give time to entertain them. I can be indifferent.
But I am not this shallow. I do care about the people around me. I just choose not to show it for fear that it might just be nothing to them. Well, I was never a people- person. I try to ensconce myself; to shun myself from detectable pains. If my world can’t do it for me, I will.
I am a feeling-person. I want so much to feel. I easily lose my heart
to pity- pity over those that aren’t cared for;
to empathy- I always want to feel what others, especially those in pain, are feeling;
to serenity- I always look for a place where I could feel this and I always picture myself to be there-
a calm, relaxing, soothing atmosphere- serene. And it makes me feel so good;
to love- I tend to lose myself to love. The thing I love never leaves me. I always try to get myself to feel
it, to do things for the better of it/them to the point that I may be losing myself anymore. I
could be in pain just for the happiness of the other- and that makes me happy; And I couldn’t
get over those wonderful things that people do to make the world a little better than it is. I
envy and love those who are able to give altruistic love even if they say it doesn’t exist;
to injustice- it is so difficult for me to be always out into the world. I am still disturbed by the fact that
most people, including me could get mad at others for doing something we’ve done
ourselves. I still couldn’t get over how things are going about, why there are people who try
to step down on others, who use others for their own happiness. I just can’t believe how
they are able to sleep at night and how they are able to continue living pressing people down.
People will always find it hard to understand me maybe because I don’t let them. I try to hide myself. To keep myself only to those who I care about; to those who I allow to be in the same tube with-those that I can take to affect me, to hurt me, to make me happy, to sympathize with me and to bring me down.
I am an irony. I am too scared yet surprises steal my heart. I have always been on my own yet I become too dependent sometimes. I want so much to be cared for and to care but I just can’t let myself out that easily. I know what I want but it isn’t me to air them straight out.
The world is just too complicated for me. I still need to be assured that there will always be something or someone to protect me. I am still too frightened, too fragile and too sensitive.
I may sound so weak. But I am not.
I am sensible.
It’s just that the more I think of how the world has become so unfair the more torn I am becoming. I tend to get depressed and scared because as I try to see the world it in turn reflects itself at me- making me realize that I still live on it. And the more I deny it, the more I deny myself- because I am a person of the world. And this will always be whether I like it or not. I am hurt and I also cause pain.
I may give delight to somebody but there will always be someone who is disappointed in me. There will always be people who I couldn’t please, as many as those who I can. Maybe more…
This will always be no matter how hard we try not to let this happen.We could never runaway from the unavoidable.
Nothing is ever made so perfect because only God is…
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